When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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