I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
