when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
