it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
