I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
