i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
