just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
