I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
