im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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