ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
