I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
