hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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