yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
