This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
