i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
