My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
