my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
