I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
