the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
