the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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