Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
