Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
