I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
