people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
