Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
