he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
