i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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