She just used a chaser for red wine.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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