Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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