i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
