im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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