Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
