I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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