i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
