my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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