Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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