I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
