My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
