I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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