If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
