Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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