I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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