I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
