Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
