you didnt know i had herpes?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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