first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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