Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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