so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
