I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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