So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
